It doesn’t matter how much you love somebody, (and believe me, Mr and Mrs Pea are very much in love) being on the road for any length of time has its challenges.

Mr and Mrs Pea welcome you to Two Peas on the Road, a series in which we explore what it is like for couples who spend time together on the road.

Firstly let’s have a look at what happens when your belly is bloated and your gut is full.

Are you the type to let it out silently, praying that it is a fart sans scent? Or do you let roar with the volume and intensity of a fully grown African lion? Maybe you are the third type that holds it in, praying that the universe will deliver you a miracle that parts you and your partner for long enough to toot in peace. Mr and Mrs Pea have differing views on this one.

Mr Pea says: Farting in the car – Louder is better and lock the windows if you can.

I say go for it. Better out than in. If she won’t kill you for leaving the windows up then great! Otherwise it’s a nice chance to get some fresh air. I generally wind down the windows while saying something like “Oh man isn’t this the place that has the freshest air in this state?”  She knows what is up at this stage.

Relationships are built on communication and withholding anything from your partner is a crime. Not to mention, who wants to hold in a fart? There is something so liberating about being able to go any time, any where and with any one. Would I fart in front of the Queen of England? Absolutely not, but I don’t love her.

Don’t be embarrassed about your natural bodily functions, embrace them and embrace the bodily functions of others. For a bit of a laugh, try locking the windows in the car after your partner farts. Convincing them that the window is broken is a great way to make sure any ill feelings are directed at the car and not you.

Mrs Pea says: Farting in the car – It’s like playing poker. Don’t show your cards, and master that poker face. 

Farting? Who? Me? Never. Okay seriously though. You can live together and maybe – maybe –  avoid farting around your partner. But when you’re on a road trip together for 10 days, there is nowhere to hide.

Despite Mr. Pea’s chilled attitude when it comes to farting, it still freaks me out every time I need to fart around him. In the beginning I would just discreetly let one rip without saying anything – hoping he won’t notice. Turns out that doesn’t work too well when there’s only two people around.

Next I adopted a tactic of winding down the window each time I was about to fart. Since we would wind down windows every now and again, this made it seem natural and it solved the problem for me.

So there I was, something was building up and I naturally wound down the window. The air was fresh outside, and it was windy. I let out a whiff and waited for it to disappear.

“Baby, did you just fart?”, oh no! Mr. Pea caught on! He was grinning ear to ear.

“Mmmaaaybe”, I said, embarrassed. I was tempted to say no and blame the cows outside, but let’s face it, the cows already have enough to deal with.

“My baby did a fart!”, Mr. Pea sung out, clearly proud of the fact that his wife can fart. And a killer one, at that.

Vrrrrmmmm.. it was the sound of… a bee buzzing? No! It was the window, and it was closing. I frantically pressed on the button to bring it back down. Too late. Mr. Pea had already locked the windows – forcing both of us to sit and experience my fart and all its glory!

“Baybeeeeeee.. Nooooooo!!” I screamed

Mr. Pea was laughing and making every effort to show me he was inhaling: gulping in air, making loud sniff sounds with his nose, saying “aaah”.

“Wow, baby! That was a good one!”, he said, beaming and patting me on the head.

It’s hard to hide your cards when your opponent can smell them.

What’s your take on farting in the car? Tell us in the comments.

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